I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
