he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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