you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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