Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
