I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize