The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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