So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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