Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
