The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
