I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
