I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize