If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
