I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Are we still banned from the library?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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