every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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