So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
