I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Randomize
