Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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