Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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