lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
...so i touched it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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