I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize