Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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