The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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