Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
we're so committed to being not committed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
