Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
