my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
