On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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