i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
