if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
