My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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