he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
