I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
my liver is dry heaving
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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