You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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