next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
