The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
