rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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