just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
