Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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