I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
