I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
