I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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