guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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