New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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