im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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