Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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