apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
