she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
