no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
