Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
