I'd wear matching sweaters with you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
