it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I could make wine with my vomit
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
