So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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