so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
