I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
