I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No subtext here. People are naked.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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