my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
