We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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