oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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