I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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