My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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