Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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