Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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