u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
