Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
