We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize