found the other keg... it's in the tree
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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