A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
