he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
